This recipe, unlike the drunken carrot cake, actually involves a drunk cake, rather than a drunk baker. In fact, the cake ends up so drunk, it would definitely get pulled over by the R.I.D.E. program (if it could drive of course). This is an adaptation of my great grandmother's recipe. The original recipe called for 10 cents worth of nuts - needless to say I had to update the recipe. Despite the mild adaptations and interpretations, the cake is delicious.
1. Free yourself of the stigma that holiday fruit cakes are boring and will be received with polite compliments, only to be battered and bashed behind your back. Without nasty and artificial candied fruits, these cakes can be, and ARE delicious.
2. Defend a Ph.D. Oddly, this will inspire your father to purchase an exorbitant amount of delicious and expensive dried cherries and blueberries. If defending a thesis is unrealistic, you will, unfortunately, have to spring for this expense yourself.
3. Resist eating the delicious dried fruits. This will surely test your resolve. But remember, you can do it. We at Project Hilarious have the utmost faith in you.
4. Soak 1 cup of dried cherries, 1 cup of dried blueberries, 1 cup of currant, 2 cups of raisins, and 1 cup of chopped dates in 1 cup of brandy overnight. Then, due to the overwhelming exhaustion from the post defense adrenaline-drain and the subsequent hangovers from the defense parties, allow the fruit to soak for an additional day.
5. Add the zest of 2 oranges and 2 cups of slivered almonds to the soaked fruit.
6. Cream slightly more than 1 cup of butter with 2 cups of demerara sugar. Beat in 4 eggs until well combined. Sift 3 cups of flour with 2 tsp of baking powder, 1/2 tsp of salt, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp of cloves, and 2 tsp all-spice. Mix. Combine juice from 2 oranges with maple syrup to a final volume of 1-1/2 cups. Alternate adding the flour mixture with the juice mixture until it is all incorporated. Add 1 cup of flour to the soaked fruit mixture and add it to the batter. Pour into two buttered and parchment-lined loaf pans.
7. Bake in a low over, 275 degrees, for awhile. Fall asleep while the cakes bake due to the continued and absolutely wretched exhaustion you are still experiencing from the post defense craziness. Wake up to the sweet smell of spicy holiday goodness. Remove the cakes from the oven. A toothpick inserted at this time should come out clean. A guestimation of elapsed time is approximately 2-1/2 hours.
8. Add several tablespoons of brandy to each cake after about an hour out of the oven and resting on a cooling rack. Wrap in parchment paper or cheese cloth, and then foil and store in a tin container. Every week drench the cakes in brandy until eaten. This recipe is thus best made 1-2 months prior to consumption. The result is drunken, drunken, delicious, boozy fruit goodness.
9. A day or two before serving, get your Martha on! Seriously people, this is the time to channel your inner hate-it-that-you-care-about-cake-decorating and go for the gold! Coat cakes (they can be split into make more cakes if desired) in marzipan. And then, drape in fondant icing. Go nuts with the food coloring and flower decorating. Poinsettias are an excellent suggestion. Do not go with an identifiable and rigorously defined Euphorbia pulcherrima, yuck! Indulge...drink first (may we recommend a French 75 or possibly some delightful mulled wine courtesy of Jamie Oliver). Of course, after a few, you will be less judgy of your culinary creation.
10. Enjoy the kitschy holiday tradition of fruit cake - this year in brandy blurry style. We are Project Hilarious highly recommend it!
Monday, 19 December 2011
Cereal and deoderant and feminine hygiene, oh my!
Project Hilarious would like to know how supermarket isle organization is achieved. At first, we believed that logic coupled with the adherence to strict guidelines was absolutely critical. Thanks to the 'clever' folks at Loblaws, we are certain that is definitely not the case. Isle organization is purely random.
At a recent trip to the brand new flagship Loblaws in Toronto, one half of Project Hilarious was witness to an absurd isle. What is extremely interesting, however, is how the lateralization of brain function dictates the degree of hilarity of the list. Left brained (analytical) folks will read it as columns. Right brained (creative) types, on the other hand, read it left to right. As a friend said, reading left to right, the last line is particularly alarming!
Project Hilarious wants to know what type of brain are you?
At a recent trip to the brand new flagship Loblaws in Toronto, one half of Project Hilarious was witness to an absurd isle. What is extremely interesting, however, is how the lateralization of brain function dictates the degree of hilarity of the list. Left brained (analytical) folks will read it as columns. Right brained (creative) types, on the other hand, read it left to right. As a friend said, reading left to right, the last line is particularly alarming!
Project Hilarious wants to know what type of brain are you?
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
ugi from toronto
why is ugi hilarious?
ugi thinks it's funny that the greek PM announced a referendum and then took it back 2 days later. he can't conceive that governments of the world will blatenly tell their stupid subjects that their opinions mean nothing, yet at the same time tell them they are fighting for "democracy" elsewhere! to rationalize the insanity, ugi assumes that 95% of the people in the world are stupid. then, and only then, does the shit that goes on in the world make sense (well, sort of). this is hilarious.
ugi thinks that babies that talk are hilarious.
ugi cruises around our wonderful city on a super sexy bike. once he hit a raccoon while riding home in the middle of the night. apparently hoping the fucker was dead was more important than bracing for the inevitable fall and subsequent wounds. despite the mild injuries, this was hilarious.
for halloween ugi dressed up as edward scissorhands. since he hadn't seen the movie for a while and failed to consult any photos to remind myself what the bastard looked like, he accidentally made an edward scissorarms costume. that's hilarious.
ugi gets a kick out of awkward elevator rides at the workplace. not only does he love watching others squirm at the painful uncomfortableness of the situation, he thinks their retarded small talk is fuckin' hilarious. ugi cracking up in the elevator is hilarious.
ugi proudly sports the project hilarious t-shirt.
ugi from toronto IS hilarious!
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
The ever-so-true 6-10-2 theory...
It was time to post the 6-10-2 theory since it is absolutely true and was recently validated by a chronic online dater. Not me, I swear. I am not chronic, yet. Prepare to be enlightened!
The 6-10-2 theory can be tested in isolated environments such as summer camp, organized trips/tours, and online dating websites (such as OkCupid). Essentially any environment where the dating pool is limited. The numbers 6, 10, and 2 are all ratings out of a maximum of 10. For those not proficient in mathematics, 6/10 is average, 10/10 is perfect (Yay!), and 2/10 is exceptionally poor (sorry, kind of sucks to be you).
The best way to fully explain this is by example. I will take you through it nice and slowly using a quote from an unsolicited OkCupid user. I know. I know. I read Undue Risk: Secret State Experiments on Humans (http://www.amazon.ca/Undue-Risk-Secret-Experiments-Humans/dp/0415928354). I do believe in informed consent. But I also really needed this quote and did not have the patience to wait for consent. Next time...
The 6-10-2 Theory
Section One: 6/10
Man shopping while apprehensive, scared, and slightly pessimistic about the process of online dating. The feelings of excitement and hope, however, are budding (slowly).
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
The idea of a man being unconventional is definitely intriguing. Patient yet impulsive is an attractive combination. And of course, having no regrets is ideal. It suggests that we stand behind our choices and learn from them, rather than being ashamed of them.
Conclusion: Alright, this man is not the worst. He for sure gets a 6/10. I am going to message him. I have to start somewhere.
Section Two: 10/10
Man shopping while being brainwashed into thinking that this online dating thing is actually an excellent idea. In fact, you can't believe that you ever doubted this process to begin with! It isn't weird, it is awesome. I am getting tons of dates and my ego is getting a much-needed boost. There are so many incredible men on this site. Finding a man is going to be easy peasy lemon squeezy. Your hopes are in full bloom.
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
This man is unconventional and totally cool. Looking forward to seeing his patient yet impulsive side. Love that he is the eternal optimist. He must therefore believe in love and will want to get to know me. A tattoo on his ass cheek. Is this true? That is pretty hot.
Conclusion: This man is amazing. He is a 10/10. I am super happy to have met him. I can't wait to get to know him better. What a great place to start. I am really happy that I subscribed to OkCupid.
Section Three: 2/10
Just the thought of man shopping is exhausting. Messages from those you don't want to hear from. Ignored/rejected from those that you do. Constant kicks and jabs at an already bruised ego. I should have trusted my instincts: Online dating is bizarre and unnatural. How on earth does this actually work? Everything is wilted and thin.
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
This man is the complete opposite of unconventional. He is just like every other man I have dated. He is not cool. Where is this patient yet impulsive side? Oh yeh, it doesn't exist! I have regrets. I regret ever meeting him. I wish there was a Star Wars tattoo on his ass cheek. At least there would be something lasting about this experience. He was a mistake.
Conclusion: His stats have dropped dramatically to a 2/10. There is nothing attractive about this man. What was I thinking? (scratch head here)
A summary of the 6-10-2 theory: Your 'pool' starts off averaging a 6/10. You automatically look for the best in everyone and the selection process begins. After a while, everyone is attractive, a full on 10/10. You find it hard to narrow down your selections. There is something fantastic about everyone. As your trip ends, you look back and shake your head in disbelief at the awful choices you made. They barely deserve a 2/10 on a good day! Sigh.
Next?
The 6-10-2 theory can be tested in isolated environments such as summer camp, organized trips/tours, and online dating websites (such as OkCupid). Essentially any environment where the dating pool is limited. The numbers 6, 10, and 2 are all ratings out of a maximum of 10. For those not proficient in mathematics, 6/10 is average, 10/10 is perfect (Yay!), and 2/10 is exceptionally poor (sorry, kind of sucks to be you).
The best way to fully explain this is by example. I will take you through it nice and slowly using a quote from an unsolicited OkCupid user. I know. I know. I read Undue Risk: Secret State Experiments on Humans (http://www.amazon.ca/Undue-Risk-Secret-Experiments-Humans/dp/0415928354). I do believe in informed consent. But I also really needed this quote and did not have the patience to wait for consent. Next time...
The 6-10-2 Theory
Section One: 6/10
Man shopping while apprehensive, scared, and slightly pessimistic about the process of online dating. The feelings of excitement and hope, however, are budding (slowly).
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
The idea of a man being unconventional is definitely intriguing. Patient yet impulsive is an attractive combination. And of course, having no regrets is ideal. It suggests that we stand behind our choices and learn from them, rather than being ashamed of them.
Conclusion: Alright, this man is not the worst. He for sure gets a 6/10. I am going to message him. I have to start somewhere.
Section Two: 10/10
Man shopping while being brainwashed into thinking that this online dating thing is actually an excellent idea. In fact, you can't believe that you ever doubted this process to begin with! It isn't weird, it is awesome. I am getting tons of dates and my ego is getting a much-needed boost. There are so many incredible men on this site. Finding a man is going to be easy peasy lemon squeezy. Your hopes are in full bloom.
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
This man is unconventional and totally cool. Looking forward to seeing his patient yet impulsive side. Love that he is the eternal optimist. He must therefore believe in love and will want to get to know me. A tattoo on his ass cheek. Is this true? That is pretty hot.
Conclusion: This man is amazing. He is a 10/10. I am super happy to have met him. I can't wait to get to know him better. What a great place to start. I am really happy that I subscribed to OkCupid.
Section Three: 2/10
Just the thought of man shopping is exhausting. Messages from those you don't want to hear from. Ignored/rejected from those that you do. Constant kicks and jabs at an already bruised ego. I should have trusted my instincts: Online dating is bizarre and unnatural. How on earth does this actually work? Everything is wilted and thin.
"I'm unconventional. Not in a "look at me, I'm doing something before it's cool" kind of way. I'm patient yet impulsive, ambitious, and the eternal optimist. I swing for the fences and I have no regrets. Except for the Star Wars tattoo on my ass cheek. That was a mistake."
This man is the complete opposite of unconventional. He is just like every other man I have dated. He is not cool. Where is this patient yet impulsive side? Oh yeh, it doesn't exist! I have regrets. I regret ever meeting him. I wish there was a Star Wars tattoo on his ass cheek. At least there would be something lasting about this experience. He was a mistake.
Conclusion: His stats have dropped dramatically to a 2/10. There is nothing attractive about this man. What was I thinking? (scratch head here)
A summary of the 6-10-2 theory: Your 'pool' starts off averaging a 6/10. You automatically look for the best in everyone and the selection process begins. After a while, everyone is attractive, a full on 10/10. You find it hard to narrow down your selections. There is something fantastic about everyone. As your trip ends, you look back and shake your head in disbelief at the awful choices you made. They barely deserve a 2/10 on a good day! Sigh.
Next?
Thursday, 27 October 2011
The OkCupid Shuffle....
The OkCupid Shuffle: Set to the tune of Spanish Flea
Click on link before continuing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mML2fPec7xU
1. You click on my profile.
2. I click on your profile.
3. You click on my profile again while I am online. Now I can see that you are checking me out.
4. You click again. This time your IM notification is ON.
(Now I know you are online, interested in me because of all the attention you have paid to my profile, and wanting to chat because your IM icon is blue)
5. Shuffle here, shuffle there, shuffle here, shuffle there.
The OkCupid Shuffle ladies and gentlemen...
Written by LR2878
Soundtrack by loftymorels
Click on link before continuing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mML2fPec7xU
Song starts
1. You click on my profile.
2. I click on your profile.
3. You click on my profile again while I am online. Now I can see that you are checking me out.
4. You click again. This time your IM notification is ON.
(Now I know you are online, interested in me because of all the attention you have paid to my profile, and wanting to chat because your IM icon is blue)
5. Shuffle here, shuffle there, shuffle here, shuffle there.
Song is over
The OkCupid Shuffle ladies and gentlemen...
Written by LR2878
Soundtrack by loftymorels
Thursday, 20 October 2011
JDate: Part 5 out of 5
After 1 month, over 250 views, IM requests from 17 people, ecards from 3, and flirts from 5, I can officially say JDate is finished. My conclusion: time that I can never get back...
JDate pet peeve 4: The following question: "Why haven't you been snatched up yet?"
If you want to 'snatch me up', here is exactly what I am looking for: a tall man, with a useful body, and of Nordic decent... Is that pushing it? Fine. I want a man who is assertive, intelligent, funny, witty, kind, and with a perfect balance between gentleness and aggression. Is this picky? Perhaps. I believe, however, that a man exists who has all of these attributes. (I guess I can live without the Nordic decent...)
All my efforts are now devoted to OkCupid.
How do we celebrate surviving the sheer torture of JDate? With a toast, of course: l'chaim!
JDate pet peeve 4: The following question: "Why haven't you been snatched up yet?"
If you want to 'snatch me up', here is exactly what I am looking for: a tall man, with a useful body, and of Nordic decent... Is that pushing it? Fine. I want a man who is assertive, intelligent, funny, witty, kind, and with a perfect balance between gentleness and aggression. Is this picky? Perhaps. I believe, however, that a man exists who has all of these attributes. (I guess I can live without the Nordic decent...)
All my efforts are now devoted to OkCupid.
How do we celebrate surviving the sheer torture of JDate? With a toast, of course: l'chaim!
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
What's for dinner tonight...
I feel like I have been shot by a French 75 mm howitzer artillery piece! A French 75. That's what I had for dinner tonight (with a side of hot and sour soup).
Recipe:
1 cup gin (that is right, 1 whole cup)
1/2 cup simple syrup
1/2 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
1 bottle of Prosecco
Serving size = 2
Tomorrow = Hangover central
Yes. You dilute gin with champagne! Perfect.
That is all you need to know. It's Wednesday and it is all French 75.
Recipe:
1 cup gin (that is right, 1 whole cup)
1/2 cup simple syrup
1/2 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
1 bottle of Prosecco
Serving size = 2
Tomorrow = Hangover central
Yes. You dilute gin with champagne! Perfect.
That is all you need to know. It's Wednesday and it is all French 75.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Best pick up line...
project hilarious thinks this is the best way to ask a boy out
Hey. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving? That is my cryptic way of asking if you want to get into trouble on Sunday night with me. I was thinking drinks (plural), and we can decide what to do after that. Nothing too extreme though. I can't scale walls, and I am afraid of bees.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
OkCupid: Part 2 of...
My stats: 119 visitors, and 12 messages
OkCupid is a lot more dynamic than JDate. Members are bolder and apparently there is no room for filters in the world of OkCupid. My favorite example is from the walking STD who is hunting me.
Nice. What happened to chivalry?
Not all messages, however, are gross and disgusting. I received a nice one from a man who does not interest me in the slightest, but who seems to be kind. He asked me what sort of stuff makes me laugh. Good question. This morning my children triggered an amazing laugh. It was 6:15 a.m. and I was in the process of waking them up for school. I was sitting on my little one's bed and he was resting his head on my legs. My oldest one came and curled herself up around me as well. This was our conversation.
daughter: Mom, we are like two homeless people sleeping beside a lamp post.
me: Why homeless?
daughter: Who else would be sleeping on the street.
The statement was followed by a face that could only be interpreted as Duh, Mom. I laughed. It was absolutely hilarious.
I would like to thank OkCupid. I know stop, process, and absorb hilarity as it is taking place.
OkCupid is a lot more dynamic than JDate. Members are bolder and apparently there is no room for filters in the world of OkCupid. My favorite example is from the walking STD who is hunting me.
"message me back quickly, im offline soon. i can meet tonight but only for about 2 hours, we can get to know each other...orally. what major intersection are you near? "
Nice. What happened to chivalry?
Not all messages, however, are gross and disgusting. I received a nice one from a man who does not interest me in the slightest, but who seems to be kind. He asked me what sort of stuff makes me laugh. Good question. This morning my children triggered an amazing laugh. It was 6:15 a.m. and I was in the process of waking them up for school. I was sitting on my little one's bed and he was resting his head on my legs. My oldest one came and curled herself up around me as well. This was our conversation.
daughter: Mom, we are like two homeless people sleeping beside a lamp post.
me: Why homeless?
daughter: Who else would be sleeping on the street.
The statement was followed by a face that could only be interpreted as Duh, Mom. I laughed. It was absolutely hilarious.
I would like to thank OkCupid. I know stop, process, and absorb hilarity as it is taking place.
Monday, 26 September 2011
JDate: Part 4 of...
My stats: 199 views, 4 flirts, 4 emails, 1 ecard, and 14 instant message requests.
I can't explain it. Actually, I am unsure if there is anyone out there who can. It is, and will always be, a mystery. The worst part about it, is it encourages mob mentality - once one starts, others can't help but join in. It is the mystery of the Jewish Matchmaker. If you put a Jewish single in a room full of Jews, within seconds, their inner matchmaker is ignited and they start firing. I am not talking slow, properly aimed shots. I am talking about fully automatic machine gun firing! And it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, or what type of bullet-proof gear your are sporting, the shots come.
At a family gathering this weekend, the topic of JDate came up. Of course, everyone is curious about my JDate adventure. Those who read the project hilarious blog are fully informed. Others (my family), however, prefer to ask. I explain to them that progress is much slower than initially expected (hey, just like grad school!). I also describe how uninspired the entire process is and that I have yet to receive any real effort from my potential suitors. At this point, my beloved family members experience feelings of despair. Sheer desperation and panic set in. Result: Inner matchmaker switch reads ON. The following is my favorite conversation.
uncle: hey, how old are you again?
me: 33
uncle: you are too old for my friend.
me: isn't your friend 60 years old?
uncle: no! he is 58.
me: that is much better (wipe sweat off brow)
uncle: but he is extremely rich.
me: so. he is still 58!
family friend: don't worry. he looks much younger when standing next to his money.
I am going to introduce a new segment to my JDate posts: JDate Pet Peeve. I have already mentioned my dislike for emoticons (JDate Pet Peeve 1) and the word fun-loving (JDate Pet Peeve 2). Here is my newest one.
JDate Pet Peeve 3: JDate sends emails informing me of new messages. They come as JDate Alerts: You have a new message waiting! The exclamation mark triggers an internal response and I get really excited. I can't help but think something amazing awaits. Beware JDate users - the exclamation mark is extremely, extremely misleading. Chances are nothing good has been sent via cyberspace.
Two and a half more weeks to go...
I can't explain it. Actually, I am unsure if there is anyone out there who can. It is, and will always be, a mystery. The worst part about it, is it encourages mob mentality - once one starts, others can't help but join in. It is the mystery of the Jewish Matchmaker. If you put a Jewish single in a room full of Jews, within seconds, their inner matchmaker is ignited and they start firing. I am not talking slow, properly aimed shots. I am talking about fully automatic machine gun firing! And it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, or what type of bullet-proof gear your are sporting, the shots come.
At a family gathering this weekend, the topic of JDate came up. Of course, everyone is curious about my JDate adventure. Those who read the project hilarious blog are fully informed. Others (my family), however, prefer to ask. I explain to them that progress is much slower than initially expected (hey, just like grad school!). I also describe how uninspired the entire process is and that I have yet to receive any real effort from my potential suitors. At this point, my beloved family members experience feelings of despair. Sheer desperation and panic set in. Result: Inner matchmaker switch reads ON. The following is my favorite conversation.
uncle: hey, how old are you again?
me: 33
uncle: you are too old for my friend.
me: isn't your friend 60 years old?
uncle: no! he is 58.
me: that is much better (wipe sweat off brow)
uncle: but he is extremely rich.
me: so. he is still 58!
family friend: don't worry. he looks much younger when standing next to his money.
I am going to introduce a new segment to my JDate posts: JDate Pet Peeve. I have already mentioned my dislike for emoticons (JDate Pet Peeve 1) and the word fun-loving (JDate Pet Peeve 2). Here is my newest one.
JDate Pet Peeve 3: JDate sends emails informing me of new messages. They come as JDate Alerts: You have a new message waiting! The exclamation mark triggers an internal response and I get really excited. I can't help but think something amazing awaits. Beware JDate users - the exclamation mark is extremely, extremely misleading. Chances are nothing good has been sent via cyberspace.
Two and a half more weeks to go...
Saturday, 24 September 2011
bubby sylvia from toronto
sylvia from toronto
sylvia from toronto is commonly known as bubby sylvia. for those unfamiliar with the word "bubby", it is yiddish for grandmother. bubby sylvia is one of 9 children, has two daughters, 7 granddaughters, and 3 great-grandchildren. she was born and raised in toronto and recently celebrated her 90th birthday
bubby sylvia is hilarious. she is her own biggest fan when it comes to her baking. a meal does not go by without her disclaimer: if i say so myself, this came out really good today. she also loves ice cream and chinese food, but will never admit to it. every time she eats either of them, she becomes pleasantly surprised by how much she is actually enjoying it. again, the experience is followed by a disclaimer: i can't remember the last time i ate this (ice cream or chinese) (FYI, you ate ice cream and/or chinese food at the last family birthday dinner. and yes, you were there)
this is one of our favorite bubby sylvia stories. once, robyn, darcy, and hailey (three hilarious granddaughters) took bubby sylvia out for dinner. as they were leaving, three young women tried to walk into the restaurant. she would not be pushed aside by anyone! so, in true bubby sylvia form, she proceeded to push them aside, walk through the door, and declare "age before beauty!" it was hilarious.
this next story is both hilarious and absolutely horrifying. one of bubby sylvia's rituals involved the bagel plus. the parking lot is totally insane and some spots are at a slight incline (emphasis on the word slight). you can imagine the sheer panic that we, her family, felt upon hearing that she was involved in a car accident. actually, she was run over by a car. but not just any car, she was run over by her own car that she was driving! (scratch head here) this is what happened, so we've been told:
sylvia from toronto is commonly known as bubby sylvia. for those unfamiliar with the word "bubby", it is yiddish for grandmother. bubby sylvia is one of 9 children, has two daughters, 7 granddaughters, and 3 great-grandchildren. she was born and raised in toronto and recently celebrated her 90th birthday
bubby sylvia is hilarious. she is her own biggest fan when it comes to her baking. a meal does not go by without her disclaimer: if i say so myself, this came out really good today. she also loves ice cream and chinese food, but will never admit to it. every time she eats either of them, she becomes pleasantly surprised by how much she is actually enjoying it. again, the experience is followed by a disclaimer: i can't remember the last time i ate this (ice cream or chinese) (FYI, you ate ice cream and/or chinese food at the last family birthday dinner. and yes, you were there)
this is one of our favorite bubby sylvia stories. once, robyn, darcy, and hailey (three hilarious granddaughters) took bubby sylvia out for dinner. as they were leaving, three young women tried to walk into the restaurant. she would not be pushed aside by anyone! so, in true bubby sylvia form, she proceeded to push them aside, walk through the door, and declare "age before beauty!" it was hilarious.
this next story is both hilarious and absolutely horrifying. one of bubby sylvia's rituals involved the bagel plus. the parking lot is totally insane and some spots are at a slight incline (emphasis on the word slight). you can imagine the sheer panic that we, her family, felt upon hearing that she was involved in a car accident. actually, she was run over by a car. but not just any car, she was run over by her own car that she was driving! (scratch head here) this is what happened, so we've been told:
- bubby sylvia pulls into slightly inclined parking spot at the bagel plus
- bubby sylvia opens door and steps out of car
- car starts rolling
- bubby sylvia realizes that car is not in park
- bubby sylvia tries to dive into the car to stop it from colliding with other vehicles
- alert! alert! dive failure! dive failure!
- bubby sylvia falls out of car
- front driver-side wheel of car rolls over her legs
- bubby sylvia now has some nasty bruises and tire marks on her pants
this last story speaks to the importance of politics in our family. it is not anything we are proud of, simply the truth. bubby sylvia now lives in a retirement home. prime minister stephen harper made a stop at her retirement home as part of his campaign tour during the last federal election. he was scheduled for a 'meet-and-greet' on a friday morning. we were all excited for bubby sylvia. it is not everyday the media and the pm stop by for a chat. so, we asked bubby sylvia if she met him, what he was like, did anyone ask him any interesting/thought provoking questions. here is how that conversation went:
family: hey bubby, how was it when the prime minister came?
bubby: how am i supposed to know?
family: didn't you go? are you feeling well?
bubby: no i didn't go, why would I?
family: this opportunity does not present itself on a regular basis
bubby: you are crazy. i could never have gone.
family: why not, aren't you interested in politics?
bubby: it was a friday.
family: politics don't interest you on fridays?
bubby: i had to get my hair done.
family: so, you went to the hair dresser instead of meeting the prime minister?
bubby: of course. you would do the same.
in summary, her standing appointment at the hair dresser trumps everything.
because of these and countless other stories, bubby sylvia gets an i'm hilarious t-shirt. unfortunately, she won't wear it because it does not come as a sweater set. nevertheless, we want her to have one.
bubby sylvia from toronto IS hilarious!
OkCupid: Part 1 of...
JDate is completely dull. Instead of struggling for the next three weeks (my self-imposed deadline), I decided to sign up to OkCupid. The following are the reasons why:
1. JDate is boring.
2. I might not be attracted to Jews.
3. JDate is boring. (Did I say that already?)
4. OkCupid is free, so why not?
To ensure complete fairness between the two sites, I used the same profile and pictures. All I can say at this point about OkCupid is Jesus Murphy! It is pretty insane. I have been officially subscribed for 13 hrs and have already received 78 visitors and 4 messages. OkCupiders are sharks, real big ones with sharp teeth! I will share my favorite message (well part of it). Here it is:
"What can we say other than you sound like an awesome chick! You have our attention and we would love to get to know you. " (We?)
"We're 25/f and 35/m and we have pics/webcam to prove we're real. We're not hiding anything and definitely not playing games..."
Yuppers! I was propositioned for a three-some. Not my thing, but kind of fun regardless.
At this point, I am even less optimistic that this online dating thing actually works. As a vehicle for project hilarious inspiration, however, that is another story.
1. JDate is boring.
2. I might not be attracted to Jews.
3. JDate is boring. (Did I say that already?)
4. OkCupid is free, so why not?
To ensure complete fairness between the two sites, I used the same profile and pictures. All I can say at this point about OkCupid is Jesus Murphy! It is pretty insane. I have been officially subscribed for 13 hrs and have already received 78 visitors and 4 messages. OkCupiders are sharks, real big ones with sharp teeth! I will share my favorite message (well part of it). Here it is:
"What can we say other than you sound like an awesome chick! You have our attention and we would love to get to know you. " (We?)
"We're 25/f and 35/m and we have pics/webcam to prove we're real. We're not hiding anything and definitely not playing games..."
Yuppers! I was propositioned for a three-some. Not my thing, but kind of fun regardless.
At this point, I am even less optimistic that this online dating thing actually works. As a vehicle for project hilarious inspiration, however, that is another story.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Drunken PhD Carrot Cake
This recipe is based largely on a Martha Stewart recipe -- although she's been increasing Prozac sales among the stay-at-home mom set for decades, occasionally she produces a delicious, fairly simple straightforward recipe and this is one. These are my adaptations - and I hope you enjoy. Also for those of you perusing the "inter-net" looking for a delightful boozy carrot cake recipe -- perhaps more of a holiday pudding style -- this unfortunately is not it -- drunken refers to the state of the baker and not the actual cake I'm afraid.
1. Go grocery shopping - when challenged by a large bulk assemblage of scrumptious looking loose carrots use the scale to weigh out a pound - when you reach precisely one pound yell out "I'm a genius", the louder the better!
2. Go out drinking. The amount of booze you will need to consume is likely directly proportional to the number of years you've been in graduate school. We recommend at least one drink per year. It should take you three minutes to figure out how to open your front door. Drink until last call. Make sure you don't go to bed until 3AM - you may need a final cocktail just prior to calling it a night.
3. Before passing out - take the cream cheese and butter out of the fridge and place your alarm clock set for 6AM on the cream cheese. If you cannot hear your alarm clock from your bedroom you are likely not a graduate student... you may choose to get creative and place several alarm clocks leading from your bedroom to the kitchen.
4. When the alarm rings, blurry thoughts of wtf will result - head to the kitchen - be confused by the pile of butter and cream cheese, then remember the carrot cake you promised to bring to the PhD defense party this afternoon and get going.
5. Grate your precisely weighed pound of carrots into a large bowl. You should lack the dexterity to ensure that all the carrots end up in the bowl - grated carrot may or may not end up both in your toaster and under your kitchen floor mat. Give up before all the carrots are grated - because it looks like a friggin' tone of carrots by this point.
6. Sift 2 1/2 cups flour with 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon, 3/4 teaspoon salt, pinch of nutmeg.
7. Cream 3 sticks of butter with 1 cup loosely packed brown sugar and 1/2 cup granulated sugar. Add 3 eggs, one at a time, beating well between each addition. Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 tablespoon of grated fresh ginger, juice of 1/2 a lemon and grated carrots. Mix well to combine.
8. Add flour mixture, and 1 cup toasted chopped pecans to carrots.
9. Pour batter into 2 9-inch cake pans lined with parchment paper and buttered. Bake cakes for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Cool cakes on a wire wrack.
10. Make icing -- cream together 1 pound cream cheese with 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract, 1 cup of unsalted butter, zest from lemon and 2 cups of confectioners' sugar
11. Ice cake with delicious cream cheese frosting. This can be done later in the day, after listening to the PhD defense talk and driving to the middle of absolutely nowhere to buy the most delectable pita bread in the Greater Toronto Area. A word of caution: in your 40% drunk/ 60% hungover state, this will prove to be the most difficult part - especially if the icing is prepared in advance and refrigerated. Remember, cold icing is unyielding and does not like to be spread on moist, delicious cakes. Your Apiphobic bestie will now be watching and laughing hysterically as you smear icing haphazardly on the sides of your drunken masterpiece. But do your best to spread it evenly between the layers and on the sides and top of the cake.
11. Ice cake with delicious cream cheese frosting. This can be done later in the day, after listening to the PhD defense talk and driving to the middle of absolutely nowhere to buy the most delectable pita bread in the Greater Toronto Area. A word of caution: in your 40% drunk/ 60% hungover state, this will prove to be the most difficult part - especially if the icing is prepared in advance and refrigerated. Remember, cold icing is unyielding and does not like to be spread on moist, delicious cakes. Your Apiphobic bestie will now be watching and laughing hysterically as you smear icing haphazardly on the sides of your drunken masterpiece. But do your best to spread it evenly between the layers and on the sides and top of the cake.
12. Top cake with toasted halved pecans and enjoy! Probably best to eat with a glass of champagne to help even out the now wicked hangover!
JDate: Part 3 of...
My stats: 133 views, 4 emails, 3 flirts, 1 ecard, and 8 instant message requests.
The past two days have been pretty eventful in the world of JDating. Despite this, I find myself already bored with the entire experience. For one, the majority of the profiles are lame and completely uninspired. It can't be possible that EVERY single Jew in the world is fun-loving. Furthermore, I would hope that people enjoyed spending time with their family and friends. Your family, well, I can see how for some this can be difficult. But your friends? You choose them. I hope you like them. My advice to those who don't enjoy spending time with their friends, is get new ones!
Enough of the JDate rant. I have one experience I would like to share because it is hilarious (and sad and gross and disgusting). I can't figure out if this guy is an absolutely hilarious prankster or the creepiest and grossest of humans. And his email was loaded with spelling and grammatical errors. I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that this is NOT the way to make a good first impression. Here is my favorite line from his email: "hi Im benjamin in montreal doing business would you be interested in meeting for a drink or you can cook when i get back." I did not alter this at all. It is a pure copy and paste so you can take it all in, as it was written to me. Sure, I laughed when I read it but I was also completely horrified. My prize for being cute is the privilege of cooking for him? Don't even know what else to say about that one.
I am slowly but surely running out of JDate steam and am not sure if I can handle an entire month. It hasn't even been one week, yet I am already feeling pretty thin. We will see...
The past two days have been pretty eventful in the world of JDating. Despite this, I find myself already bored with the entire experience. For one, the majority of the profiles are lame and completely uninspired. It can't be possible that EVERY single Jew in the world is fun-loving. Furthermore, I would hope that people enjoyed spending time with their family and friends. Your family, well, I can see how for some this can be difficult. But your friends? You choose them. I hope you like them. My advice to those who don't enjoy spending time with their friends, is get new ones!
Enough of the JDate rant. I have one experience I would like to share because it is hilarious (and sad and gross and disgusting). I can't figure out if this guy is an absolutely hilarious prankster or the creepiest and grossest of humans. And his email was loaded with spelling and grammatical errors. I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that this is NOT the way to make a good first impression. Here is my favorite line from his email: "hi Im benjamin in montreal doing business would you be interested in meeting for a drink or you can cook when i get back." I did not alter this at all. It is a pure copy and paste so you can take it all in, as it was written to me. Sure, I laughed when I read it but I was also completely horrified. My prize for being cute is the privilege of cooking for him? Don't even know what else to say about that one.
I am slowly but surely running out of JDate steam and am not sure if I can handle an entire month. It hasn't even been one week, yet I am already feeling pretty thin. We will see...
Monday, 19 September 2011
JDate: Part 2 of...
Here is the recap of my first weekend JDating:
92 views, 1 flirt, 3 emails, and 5 instant message requests. I have no clue if these stats are any good but I can say that the messages are uninspired and border on the creep. JDate was supposed to serve two functions; the first being to help me find a man (obviously) and the second to provide some amazing material for project hilarious. What have I learned after this weekend? Desperate Jewish singles are NOT hilarious. The majority of messages I received started and ended with Hi (if I was lucky I got a Hi there) and were filled with way too many happy face emoticons. The creepy ones mentioned my hair. I do love my bangs, but really? Three and a half more weeks to go. Hope it improves!
92 views, 1 flirt, 3 emails, and 5 instant message requests. I have no clue if these stats are any good but I can say that the messages are uninspired and border on the creep. JDate was supposed to serve two functions; the first being to help me find a man (obviously) and the second to provide some amazing material for project hilarious. What have I learned after this weekend? Desperate Jewish singles are NOT hilarious. The majority of messages I received started and ended with Hi (if I was lucky I got a Hi there) and were filled with way too many happy face emoticons. The creepy ones mentioned my hair. I do love my bangs, but really? Three and a half more weeks to go. Hope it improves!
Friday, 16 September 2011
JDate: Part 1 of...
While dehydrating samples I decided to subscribe to JDate. Who knows, perhaps my true love is disguised as a 5'7" Jewish lawyer? After two days and an exuberant amount of laughter, someone finally flirted with me. In his profile picture, he is riding a cannon!!!
Should I flirt back, thoughts?
Should I flirt back, thoughts?
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
lindsy from toronto
lindsy is a perpetual-random-encounter-interaction machine. we think she needs her own patent.
for instance, once when telling an absolutely hilarious story to a friend, she inadvertently saluted a random stranger and declared her undying love for him. he, along with her other victims, now wait patiently in the foyer of her work place hoping she'll remember that she loves them. this is hilarious.
lindsy works in a nerd-a-torium. think big bang theory, but remember that there are hundreds of them, not just four. she is a stylish dresser and a self proclaimed hosiery aficionado. she finds it imperative to wear loud mustard yellow tights or fuchsia pink dresses to the lab. this disturbs the nerds and makes hyper-intelligent professors uncomfortable. this is hilarious!
lindsy is obsessed with chef rob rossi. she thinks he's smokin'. we agree. this is not hilarious. however she talks about her obsession with chef rob rossi so often that the coffee barista at mercatto actually had a text sent to lindsy to let her know that "chef was in". that's hilarious!
lindsy thinks that project hilarious is hilarious, pure and simple, and will result in a world-wide craze of hilarity and awesome t-shirts. we think she's right!
lindsy from toronto IS hilarious!
for instance, once when telling an absolutely hilarious story to a friend, she inadvertently saluted a random stranger and declared her undying love for him. he, along with her other victims, now wait patiently in the foyer of her work place hoping she'll remember that she loves them. this is hilarious.
lindsy works in a nerd-a-torium. think big bang theory, but remember that there are hundreds of them, not just four. she is a stylish dresser and a self proclaimed hosiery aficionado. she finds it imperative to wear loud mustard yellow tights or fuchsia pink dresses to the lab. this disturbs the nerds and makes hyper-intelligent professors uncomfortable. this is hilarious!
lindsy is obsessed with chef rob rossi. she thinks he's smokin'. we agree. this is not hilarious. however she talks about her obsession with chef rob rossi so often that the coffee barista at mercatto actually had a text sent to lindsy to let her know that "chef was in". that's hilarious!
lindsy thinks that project hilarious is hilarious, pure and simple, and will result in a world-wide craze of hilarity and awesome t-shirts. we think she's right!
lindsy from toronto IS hilarious!
eden from toronto
eden laughs loudly at all her own jokes. she is a master random-sentence generator and is notorious for impulsively blurting out outrageous and often embarrassing non sequiturs.
here are two examples of eden at her best. at an international science meeting, she congratulated a world famous scientist on discovering the salt bridge - snarkily implying that his findings are anything but interesting since the salt bridge is discussed in detail in every ninth-grade textbook. hilarious. at the same meeting, she approached a super sexy rock star scientist holding three fingers from her right hand over her left shoulder - boldly indicating in the most urban way possible that he should order some wine. this is hilarious.
eden takes questionable fashion risks. she owns and still dons a hat that is appropriately measured in meters. it's made of pink crepe and is covered in pink silk flowers. she thinks it works best with jeans, flip flops, and a shiny brown tank top-cardigan set. she wore it to the lab one day in an attempt to shield herself from the evil golden orb (most commonly referred to as the sun). she looked absolutely ridiculous. it was hilarious.
eden is rightfully infatuated with chef jamie oliver. she thinks he's sexy. his sexiness is not because he is a celebrity, or has a british accent, or is a world-class chef. it also has nothing to do with his ongoing battle to conquer childhood obesity. oh no. she thinks he's sexy because one of his incisor teeth sticks out a bit and prevents his lips from completely shutting when he smiles. that's hilarious!
eden thinks that project hilarious is a geo-political movement that will change the world one hilarious person at a time. we think she's right!
eden from toronto IS hilarious!
here are two examples of eden at her best. at an international science meeting, she congratulated a world famous scientist on discovering the salt bridge - snarkily implying that his findings are anything but interesting since the salt bridge is discussed in detail in every ninth-grade textbook. hilarious. at the same meeting, she approached a super sexy rock star scientist holding three fingers from her right hand over her left shoulder - boldly indicating in the most urban way possible that he should order some wine. this is hilarious.
eden takes questionable fashion risks. she owns and still dons a hat that is appropriately measured in meters. it's made of pink crepe and is covered in pink silk flowers. she thinks it works best with jeans, flip flops, and a shiny brown tank top-cardigan set. she wore it to the lab one day in an attempt to shield herself from the evil golden orb (most commonly referred to as the sun). she looked absolutely ridiculous. it was hilarious.
eden is rightfully infatuated with chef jamie oliver. she thinks he's sexy. his sexiness is not because he is a celebrity, or has a british accent, or is a world-class chef. it also has nothing to do with his ongoing battle to conquer childhood obesity. oh no. she thinks he's sexy because one of his incisor teeth sticks out a bit and prevents his lips from completely shutting when he smiles. that's hilarious!
eden thinks that project hilarious is a geo-political movement that will change the world one hilarious person at a time. we think she's right!
eden from toronto IS hilarious!
Monday, 27 June 2011
what is project hilarious?
project hilarious is a not-for-profit project designed and executed by two absolutely hilarious graduate students in toronto. the world needs more hilarious people expressing their unabashed hilarity. our goal is to inspire laughter and smiles. and of course, we hope general ridiculous hilariousness will ensue.
are you hilarious? advertise to the world with the "i'm hilarious" t-shirt. where can i purchase one of these absolutely fantastic shirts? unfortunately you can not! t-shirts can only be earned by telling us why you are hilarious!
share your story with the world and get a shirt to prove that YOU ARE hilarious!
-- project hilarious
Saturday, 25 June 2011
on twitter....
we have our first follower on twitter. she might be a porn star, but we can't be too particular at this point in time. follow us on twitter at project hilarious@p_hilarious
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