This recipe, unlike the drunken carrot cake, actually involves a drunk cake, rather than a drunk baker. In fact, the cake ends up so drunk, it would definitely get pulled over by the R.I.D.E. program (if it could drive of course). This is an adaptation of my great grandmother's recipe. The original recipe called for 10 cents worth of nuts - needless to say I had to update the recipe. Despite the mild adaptations and interpretations, the cake is delicious.
1. Free yourself of the stigma that holiday fruit cakes are boring and will be received with polite compliments, only to be battered and bashed behind your back. Without nasty and artificial candied fruits, these cakes can be, and ARE delicious.
2. Defend a Ph.D. Oddly, this will inspire your father to purchase an exorbitant amount of delicious and expensive dried cherries and blueberries. If defending a thesis is unrealistic, you will, unfortunately, have to spring for this expense yourself.
3. Resist eating the delicious dried fruits. This will surely test your resolve. But remember, you can do it. We at Project Hilarious have the utmost faith in you.
4. Soak 1 cup of dried cherries, 1 cup of dried blueberries, 1 cup of currant, 2 cups of raisins, and 1 cup of chopped dates in 1 cup of brandy overnight. Then, due to the overwhelming exhaustion from the post defense adrenaline-drain and the subsequent hangovers from the defense parties, allow the fruit to soak for an additional day.
5. Add the zest of 2 oranges and 2 cups of slivered almonds to the soaked fruit.
6. Cream slightly more than 1 cup of butter with 2 cups of demerara sugar. Beat in 4 eggs until well combined. Sift 3 cups of flour with 2 tsp of baking powder, 1/2 tsp of salt, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp of cloves, and 2 tsp all-spice. Mix. Combine juice from 2 oranges with maple syrup to a final volume of 1-1/2 cups. Alternate adding the flour mixture with the juice mixture until it is all incorporated. Add 1 cup of flour to the soaked fruit mixture and add it to the batter. Pour into two buttered and parchment-lined loaf pans.
7. Bake in a low over, 275 degrees, for awhile. Fall asleep while the cakes bake due to the continued and absolutely wretched exhaustion you are still experiencing from the post defense craziness. Wake up to the sweet smell of spicy holiday goodness. Remove the cakes from the oven. A toothpick inserted at this time should come out clean. A guestimation of elapsed time is approximately 2-1/2 hours.
8. Add several tablespoons of brandy to each cake after about an hour out of the oven and resting on a cooling rack. Wrap in parchment paper or cheese cloth, and then foil and store in a tin container. Every week drench the cakes in brandy until eaten. This recipe is thus best made 1-2 months prior to consumption. The result is drunken, drunken, delicious, boozy fruit goodness.
9. A day or two before serving, get your Martha on! Seriously people, this is the time to channel your inner hate-it-that-you-care-about-cake-decorating and go for the gold! Coat cakes (they can be split into make more cakes if desired) in marzipan. And then, drape in fondant icing. Go nuts with the food coloring and flower decorating. Poinsettias are an excellent suggestion. Do not go with an identifiable and rigorously defined Euphorbia pulcherrima, yuck! Indulge...drink first (may we recommend a French 75 or possibly some delightful mulled wine courtesy of Jamie Oliver). Of course, after a few, you will be less judgy of your culinary creation.
10. Enjoy the kitschy holiday tradition of fruit cake - this year in brandy blurry style. We are Project Hilarious highly recommend it!
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