OkCupid: Part 2 of...

My stats:  119 visitors, and 12 messages

OkCupid is a lot more dynamic than JDate.  Members are bolder and apparently there is no room for filters in the world of OkCupid.  My favorite example is from the walking STD who is hunting me. 

"message me back quickly, im offline soon. i can meet tonight but only for about 2 hours, we can get to know each other...orally.  what major intersection are you near? "

Nice.  What happened to chivalry? 

Not all messages, however, are gross and disgusting.  I received a nice one from a man who does not interest me in the slightest, but who seems to be kind.  He asked me what sort of stuff makes me laugh. Good question.  This morning my children triggered an amazing laugh.  It was 6:15 a.m. and I was in the process of waking them up for school.  I was sitting on my little one's bed and he was resting his head on my legs.  My oldest one came and curled herself up around me as well.  This was our conversation.

daughter: Mom, we are like two homeless people sleeping beside a lamp post.
me:  Why homeless?
daughter: Who else would be sleeping on the street.

The statement was followed by a face that could only be interpreted as Duh, Mom.  I laughed.  It was absolutely hilarious.

I would like to thank OkCupid.  I know stop, process, and absorb hilarity as it is taking place.

JDate: Part 4 of...

My stats: 199 views, 4 flirts, 4 emails, 1 ecard, and 14 instant message requests.

I can't explain it.  Actually, I am unsure if there is anyone out there who can.  It is, and will always be, a mystery.  The worst part about it, is it encourages mob mentality - once one starts, others can't help but join in.  It is the mystery of the Jewish Matchmaker.  If you put a Jewish single in a room full of Jews, within seconds, their inner matchmaker is ignited and they start firing.  I am not talking slow, properly aimed shots.  I am talking about fully automatic machine gun firing!  And it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, or what type of bullet-proof gear your are sporting, the shots come. 

At a family gathering this weekend, the topic of JDate came up.  Of course, everyone is curious about my JDate adventure.  Those who read the project hilarious blog are fully informed. Others (my family), however, prefer to ask. I explain to them that progress is much slower than initially expected (hey, just like grad school!).  I also describe how uninspired the entire process is and that I have yet to receive any real effort from my potential suitors.  At this point, my beloved family members experience feelings of despair.  Sheer desperation and panic set in.   Result:  Inner matchmaker switch reads ON.  The following is my favorite conversation.

uncle:  hey, how old are you again?
me:  33
uncle:  you are too old for my friend. 
me:  isn't your friend 60 years old?
uncle:  no!  he is 58.
me:  that is much better (wipe sweat off brow)
uncle:  but he is extremely rich.
me:  so.  he is still 58!
family friend:  don't worry.  he looks much younger when standing next to his money.

I am going to introduce a new segment to my JDate posts:  JDate Pet Peeve.  I have already mentioned my dislike for emoticons (JDate Pet Peeve 1) and the word fun-loving (JDate Pet Peeve 2).  Here is my newest one.

JDate Pet Peeve 3:  JDate sends emails informing me of new messages.  They come as JDate Alerts: You have a new message waiting!  The exclamation mark triggers an internal response and I get really excited.  I can't help but think something amazing awaits.  Beware JDate users - the exclamation mark is extremely, extremely misleading.  Chances are nothing good has been sent via cyberspace.

Two and a half more weeks to go...

bubby sylvia from toronto

sylvia from toronto

sylvia from toronto is commonly known as bubby sylvia.  for those unfamiliar with the word "bubby", it is yiddish for grandmother.  bubby sylvia is one of 9 children, has two daughters, 7 granddaughters, and 3 great-grandchildren.  she was born and raised in toronto and recently celebrated her 90th birthday 

bubby sylvia is hilarious.  she is her own biggest fan when it comes to her baking.  a meal does not go by without her disclaimer: if i say so myself, this came out really good today.  she also loves ice cream and chinese food, but will never admit to it.  every time she eats either of them,  she becomes pleasantly surprised by how much she is actually enjoying it.  again, the experience is followed by a disclaimer: i can't remember the last time i ate this (ice cream or chinese)  (FYI, you ate ice cream and/or chinese food at the last family birthday dinner.  and yes, you were there)

this is one of our favorite bubby sylvia stories.  once, robyn, darcy, and hailey (three hilarious granddaughters) took bubby sylvia out for dinner.  as they were leaving, three young women tried to walk into the restaurant.  she would not be pushed aside by anyone!  so, in true bubby sylvia form, she proceeded to push them aside, walk through the door, and declare "age before beauty!" it was hilarious. 

this next story is both hilarious and absolutely horrifying.  one of bubby sylvia's rituals involved the bagel plus.  the parking lot is totally insane and some spots are at a slight incline (emphasis on the word slight).  you can imagine the sheer panic that we, her family, felt upon hearing that she was involved in a car accident.  actually, she was run over by a car.  but not just any car, she was run over by her own car that she was driving! (scratch head here)  this is what happened, so we've been told:

• bubby sylvia pulls into slightly inclined parking spot at the bagel plus
• bubby sylvia opens door and steps out of car
• car starts rolling
• bubby sylvia realizes that car is not in park
• bubby sylvia tries to dive into the car to stop it from colliding with other vehicles
• alert! alert! dive failure! dive failure!
  
• bubby sylvia falls out of car
• front driver-side wheel of car rolls over her legs
• bubby sylvia now has some nasty bruises and tire marks on her pants
  

thankfully bubby sylvia was fine.  bubby sylvia (who does not drive anymore), is hilarious.

this last story speaks to the importance of politics in our family.  it is not anything we are proud of, simply the truth.  bubby sylvia now lives in a retirement home.  prime minister stephen harper made a stop at her retirement home as part of his campaign tour during the last federal election.  he was scheduled for a 'meet-and-greet' on a friday morning.  we were all excited for bubby sylvia.  it is not everyday the media and the pm stop by for a chat.  so, we asked bubby sylvia if she met him, what he was like, did anyone ask him any interesting/thought provoking questions.  here is how that conversation went:

family: hey bubby, how was it when the prime minister came?

bubby: how am i supposed to know?

family: didn't you go?  are you feeling well?

bubby: no i didn't go, why would I?

family:  this opportunity does not present itself on a regular basis

bubby: you are crazy.  i could never have gone.

family: why not, aren't you interested in politics?

bubby: it was a friday.

family: politics don't interest you on fridays?

bubby: i had to get my hair done.

family: so, you went to the hair dresser instead of meeting the prime minister?

bubby: of course.  you would do the same.

in summary, her standing appointment at the hair dresser trumps everything. 

because of these and countless other stories, bubby sylvia gets an i'm hilarious t-shirt.  unfortunately, she won't wear it because it does not come as a sweater set.  nevertheless, we want her to have one. 

bubby sylvia from toronto IS hilarious! 

OkCupid: Part 1 of...

JDate is completely dull.  Instead of struggling for the next three weeks (my self-imposed deadline), I decided to sign up to OkCupid.  The following are the reasons why:

1.  JDate is boring.
2.  I might not be attracted to Jews.
3.  JDate is boring.  (Did I say that already?)
4.  OkCupid is free, so why not?

To ensure complete fairness between the two sites, I used the same profile and pictures.  All I can say at this point about OkCupid is Jesus Murphy!  It is pretty insane.  I have been officially subscribed for 13 hrs and have already received 78 visitors and 4 messages.  OkCupiders are sharks, real big ones with sharp teeth!  I will share my favorite message (well part of it).  Here it is:

"What can we say other than you sound like an awesome chick! You have our attention and we would love to get to know you. "  (We?)

"We're 25/f and 35/m and we have pics/webcam to prove we're real. We're not hiding anything and definitely not playing games..."

Yuppers!  I was propositioned for a three-some.  Not my thing, but kind of fun regardless.

At this point, I am even less optimistic that this online dating thing actually works.  As a vehicle for project hilarious inspiration, however, that is another story.

Drunken PhD Carrot Cake

This recipe is based largely on a Martha Stewart recipe -- although she's been increasing Prozac sales among the stay-at-home mom set for decades, occasionally she produces a delicious, fairly simple straightforward recipe and this is one.  These are my adaptations - and I hope you enjoy.  Also for those of you perusing the "inter-net" looking for a delightful boozy carrot cake recipe -- perhaps more of a holiday pudding style -- this unfortunately is not it -- drunken refers to the state of the baker and not the actual cake I'm afraid.

1. Go grocery shopping - when challenged by a large bulk assemblage of scrumptious looking loose carrots use the scale to weigh out a pound - when you reach precisely one pound yell out "I'm a genius", the louder the better!

2. Go out drinking.  The amount of booze you will need to consume is likely directly proportional to the number of years you've been in graduate school.  We recommend at least one drink per year.  It should take you three minutes to figure out how to open your front door.  Drink until last call.  Make sure you don't go to bed until 3AM - you may need a final cocktail just prior to calling it a night.

3. Before passing out - take the cream cheese and butter out of the fridge and place your alarm clock set for 6AM on the cream cheese.  If you cannot hear your alarm clock from your bedroom you are likely not a graduate student... you may choose to get creative and place several alarm clocks leading from your bedroom to the kitchen.

4. When the alarm rings, blurry thoughts of wtf will result - head to the kitchen - be confused by the pile of butter and cream cheese, then remember the carrot cake you promised to bring to the PhD defense party this afternoon and get going.

5. Grate your precisely weighed pound of carrots into a large bowl.  You should lack the dexterity to ensure that all the carrots end up in the bowl - grated carrot may or may not end up both in your toaster and under your kitchen floor mat.  Give up before all the carrots are grated - because it looks like a friggin' tone of carrots by this point.

6. Sift 2 1/2 cups flour with 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon, 3/4 teaspoon salt, pinch of nutmeg.

7. Cream 3 sticks of butter with 1 cup loosely packed brown sugar and 1/2 cup granulated sugar.  Add 3 eggs, one at a time, beating well between each addition.  Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 tablespoon of grated fresh ginger, juice of 1/2 a lemon and grated carrots.  Mix well to combine.  

8. Add flour mixture, and 1 cup toasted chopped pecans to carrots.

9. Pour batter into 2 9-inch cake pans lined with parchment paper and buttered.  Bake cakes for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.  Cool cakes on a wire wrack.

10. Make icing -- cream together 1 pound cream cheese with 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract, 1 cup of unsalted butter, zest from lemon and 2 cups of confectioners' sugar

11.  Ice cake with delicious cream cheese frosting.  This can be done later in the day, after listening to the PhD defense talk and driving to the middle of absolutely nowhere to buy the most delectable pita bread in the Greater Toronto Area.  A word of caution: in your 40% drunk/ 60% hungover state, this will prove to be the most difficult part - especially if the icing is prepared in advance and refrigerated.  Remember, cold icing is unyielding and does not like to be spread on moist, delicious cakes.  Your  Apiphobic bestie will now be watching and laughing hysterically as you smear icing haphazardly on the sides of your drunken masterpiece.  But do your best to spread it evenly between the layers and on the sides and top of the cake.  

12. Top cake with toasted halved pecans and enjoy!  Probably best to eat with a glass of champagne to help even out the now wicked hangover!

JDate: Part 3 of...

My stats: 133 views, 4 emails, 3 flirts, 1 ecard, and 8 instant message requests.

The past two days have been pretty eventful in the world of JDating.  Despite this, I find myself already bored with the entire experience.  For one, the majority of the profiles are lame and completely uninspired.  It can't be possible that EVERY single Jew in the world is fun-loving.  Furthermore, I would hope that people enjoyed spending time with their family and friends.  Your family, well, I can see how for some this can be difficult.  But your friends?  You choose them.  I hope you like them.  My advice to those who don't enjoy spending time with their friends, is get new ones! 

Enough of the JDate rant.  I have one experience I would like to share because it is hilarious (and sad and gross and disgusting).  I can't figure out if this guy is an absolutely hilarious prankster or the creepiest and grossest of humans.   And his email was loaded with spelling and grammatical errors.  I don't know a lot of things, but I do know that this is NOT the way to make a good first impression.  Here is my favorite line from his email: "hi Im benjamin in montreal doing business would you be interested in meeting for a drink or you can cook when i get back."  I did not alter this at all.  It is a pure copy and paste so you can take it all in, as it was written to me.  Sure, I laughed when I read it but I was also completely horrified.  My prize for being cute is the privilege of cooking for him? Don't even know what else to say about that one.

I am slowly but surely running out of JDate steam and am not sure if I can handle an entire month.  It hasn't even been one week, yet I am already feeling pretty thin.  We will see...

JDate: Part 2 of...

Here is the recap of my first weekend JDating:
92 views, 1 flirt, 3 emails, and 5 instant message requests.  I have no clue if these stats are any good but I can say that the messages are uninspired and border on the creep.  JDate was supposed to serve two functions; the first being to help me find a man (obviously) and the second to provide some amazing material for project hilarious.  What have I learned after this weekend?  Desperate Jewish singles are NOT hilarious.  The majority of messages I received started and ended with Hi (if I was lucky I got a Hi there) and were filled with way too many happy face emoticons.  The creepy ones mentioned my hair.  I do love my bangs, but really?  Three and a half more weeks to go.  Hope it improves!

JDate: Part 1 of...

While dehydrating samples I decided to subscribe to JDate.  Who knows, perhaps my true love is disguised as a 5'7" Jewish lawyer?  After two days and an exuberant amount of laughter, someone finally flirted with me.  In his profile picture, he is riding a cannon!!!  


Should I flirt back, thoughts?