The OkCupid Shuffle....

The OkCupid Shuffle: Set to the tune of Spanish Flea

Click on link before continuing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mML2fPec7xU

Song starts

1.  You click on my profile.
2.  I click on your profile.
3.  You click on my profile again while I am online.  Now I can see that you are checking me out. 
4.  You click again.  This time your IM notification is ON. 
(Now I know you are online, interested in me because of all the attention you have paid to my profile, and wanting to chat because your IM icon is blue)
5.  Shuffle here, shuffle there, shuffle here, shuffle there.

Song is over

The OkCupid Shuffle ladies and gentlemen...

Written by LR2878
Soundtrack by loftymorels

JDate: Part 5 out of 5

After 1 month, over 250 views, IM requests from 17 people, ecards from 3, and flirts from 5, I can officially say JDate is finished.  My conclusion: time that I can never get back...

JDate pet peeve 4:  The following question: "Why haven't you been snatched up yet?"

If you want to 'snatch me up', here is exactly what I am looking for: a tall man, with a useful body, and of Nordic decent... Is that pushing it?  Fine.  I want a man who is assertive, intelligent, funny, witty, kind, and with a perfect balance between gentleness and aggression.  Is this picky?  Perhaps.  I believe, however, that a man exists who has all of these attributes. (I guess I can live without the Nordic decent...) 

All my efforts are now devoted to OkCupid. 

How do we celebrate surviving the sheer torture of JDate?  With a toast, of course: l'chaim!

What's for dinner tonight...

I feel like I have been shot by a French 75 mm howitzer artillery piece!  A French 75.  That's what I had for dinner tonight (with a side of hot and sour soup).

Recipe:
1 cup gin  (that is right, 1 whole cup)
1/2 cup simple syrup
1/2 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
1 bottle of Prosecco

Serving size = 2

Tomorrow = Hangover central

Yes.  You dilute gin with champagne!  Perfect.  

That is all you need to know.  It's Wednesday and it is all French 75.

Best pick up line...

project hilarious thinks this is the best way to ask a boy out

Hey.  Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?  That is my cryptic way of asking if you want to get into trouble on Sunday night with me.  I was thinking drinks (plural), and we can decide what to do after that.  Nothing too extreme though.  I can't scale walls, and I am afraid of bees.

OkCupid: Part 2 of...

My stats:  119 visitors, and 12 messages

OkCupid is a lot more dynamic than JDate.  Members are bolder and apparently there is no room for filters in the world of OkCupid.  My favorite example is from the walking STD who is hunting me. 

"message me back quickly, im offline soon. i can meet tonight but only for about 2 hours, we can get to know each other...orally.  what major intersection are you near? "

Nice.  What happened to chivalry? 

Not all messages, however, are gross and disgusting.  I received a nice one from a man who does not interest me in the slightest, but who seems to be kind.  He asked me what sort of stuff makes me laugh. Good question.  This morning my children triggered an amazing laugh.  It was 6:15 a.m. and I was in the process of waking them up for school.  I was sitting on my little one's bed and he was resting his head on my legs.  My oldest one came and curled herself up around me as well.  This was our conversation.

daughter: Mom, we are like two homeless people sleeping beside a lamp post.
me:  Why homeless?
daughter: Who else would be sleeping on the street.

The statement was followed by a face that could only be interpreted as Duh, Mom.  I laughed.  It was absolutely hilarious.

I would like to thank OkCupid.  I know stop, process, and absorb hilarity as it is taking place.

JDate: Part 4 of...

My stats: 199 views, 4 flirts, 4 emails, 1 ecard, and 14 instant message requests.

I can't explain it.  Actually, I am unsure if there is anyone out there who can.  It is, and will always be, a mystery.  The worst part about it, is it encourages mob mentality - once one starts, others can't help but join in.  It is the mystery of the Jewish Matchmaker.  If you put a Jewish single in a room full of Jews, within seconds, their inner matchmaker is ignited and they start firing.  I am not talking slow, properly aimed shots.  I am talking about fully automatic machine gun firing!  And it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, or what type of bullet-proof gear your are sporting, the shots come. 

At a family gathering this weekend, the topic of JDate came up.  Of course, everyone is curious about my JDate adventure.  Those who read the project hilarious blog are fully informed. Others (my family), however, prefer to ask. I explain to them that progress is much slower than initially expected (hey, just like grad school!).  I also describe how uninspired the entire process is and that I have yet to receive any real effort from my potential suitors.  At this point, my beloved family members experience feelings of despair.  Sheer desperation and panic set in.   Result:  Inner matchmaker switch reads ON.  The following is my favorite conversation.

uncle:  hey, how old are you again?
me:  33
uncle:  you are too old for my friend. 
me:  isn't your friend 60 years old?
uncle:  no!  he is 58.
me:  that is much better (wipe sweat off brow)
uncle:  but he is extremely rich.
me:  so.  he is still 58!
family friend:  don't worry.  he looks much younger when standing next to his money.

I am going to introduce a new segment to my JDate posts:  JDate Pet Peeve.  I have already mentioned my dislike for emoticons (JDate Pet Peeve 1) and the word fun-loving (JDate Pet Peeve 2).  Here is my newest one.

JDate Pet Peeve 3:  JDate sends emails informing me of new messages.  They come as JDate Alerts: You have a new message waiting!  The exclamation mark triggers an internal response and I get really excited.  I can't help but think something amazing awaits.  Beware JDate users - the exclamation mark is extremely, extremely misleading.  Chances are nothing good has been sent via cyberspace.

Two and a half more weeks to go...

bubby sylvia from toronto

sylvia from toronto

sylvia from toronto is commonly known as bubby sylvia.  for those unfamiliar with the word "bubby", it is yiddish for grandmother.  bubby sylvia is one of 9 children, has two daughters, 7 granddaughters, and 3 great-grandchildren.  she was born and raised in toronto and recently celebrated her 90th birthday 

bubby sylvia is hilarious.  she is her own biggest fan when it comes to her baking.  a meal does not go by without her disclaimer: if i say so myself, this came out really good today.  she also loves ice cream and chinese food, but will never admit to it.  every time she eats either of them,  she becomes pleasantly surprised by how much she is actually enjoying it.  again, the experience is followed by a disclaimer: i can't remember the last time i ate this (ice cream or chinese)  (FYI, you ate ice cream and/or chinese food at the last family birthday dinner.  and yes, you were there)

this is one of our favorite bubby sylvia stories.  once, robyn, darcy, and hailey (three hilarious granddaughters) took bubby sylvia out for dinner.  as they were leaving, three young women tried to walk into the restaurant.  she would not be pushed aside by anyone!  so, in true bubby sylvia form, she proceeded to push them aside, walk through the door, and declare "age before beauty!" it was hilarious. 

this next story is both hilarious and absolutely horrifying.  one of bubby sylvia's rituals involved the bagel plus.  the parking lot is totally insane and some spots are at a slight incline (emphasis on the word slight).  you can imagine the sheer panic that we, her family, felt upon hearing that she was involved in a car accident.  actually, she was run over by a car.  but not just any car, she was run over by her own car that she was driving! (scratch head here)  this is what happened, so we've been told:

• bubby sylvia pulls into slightly inclined parking spot at the bagel plus
• bubby sylvia opens door and steps out of car
• car starts rolling
• bubby sylvia realizes that car is not in park
• bubby sylvia tries to dive into the car to stop it from colliding with other vehicles
• alert! alert! dive failure! dive failure!
  
• bubby sylvia falls out of car
• front driver-side wheel of car rolls over her legs
• bubby sylvia now has some nasty bruises and tire marks on her pants
  

thankfully bubby sylvia was fine.  bubby sylvia (who does not drive anymore), is hilarious.

this last story speaks to the importance of politics in our family.  it is not anything we are proud of, simply the truth.  bubby sylvia now lives in a retirement home.  prime minister stephen harper made a stop at her retirement home as part of his campaign tour during the last federal election.  he was scheduled for a 'meet-and-greet' on a friday morning.  we were all excited for bubby sylvia.  it is not everyday the media and the pm stop by for a chat.  so, we asked bubby sylvia if she met him, what he was like, did anyone ask him any interesting/thought provoking questions.  here is how that conversation went:

family: hey bubby, how was it when the prime minister came?

bubby: how am i supposed to know?

family: didn't you go?  are you feeling well?

bubby: no i didn't go, why would I?

family:  this opportunity does not present itself on a regular basis

bubby: you are crazy.  i could never have gone.

family: why not, aren't you interested in politics?

bubby: it was a friday.

family: politics don't interest you on fridays?

bubby: i had to get my hair done.

family: so, you went to the hair dresser instead of meeting the prime minister?

bubby: of course.  you would do the same.

in summary, her standing appointment at the hair dresser trumps everything. 

because of these and countless other stories, bubby sylvia gets an i'm hilarious t-shirt.  unfortunately, she won't wear it because it does not come as a sweater set.  nevertheless, we want her to have one. 

bubby sylvia from toronto IS hilarious!